XXXII. Abortion
At some point in your, often times young life, you find out about (sex). In my case, once introduced to me, it was of course over-analyzed just like everything else. I always knew in the back of my mind sex wouldn’t be a priority. Not because I was undesirable or thought myself that way or some other physical attribute that someone prescribed upon me, which is only what they tell themselves for whatever it means to them. Beauty doesn’t mean anything with regards to sex, and if someone tells you it does, they’re either dumb or they think you’re dumb. Attraction means everything, and there are billions of individual preferences. I knew sex wouldn’t be a priority because due to the hand that I was dealt in this life there would never be a place for it on my path, and because of this I wouldn’t reach for it or go after it. The factors against sex piled up over the years too; nothing so loud and filled with risks as pregnancy in this country.
My cousin began babysitting for money back in my teens. I knew with every fiber of my being I did not want to do that even for money. Also, I had already come to the conclusion that I do not like money because it was and is an undying human obligation. I grabbed at fun and game, and clenched my hands around what little freedoms I had. Babysitting was hellish aggravation and constant demand. I decided a lot of things during that time. And dealing with children, being responsible for them, was a massive and consistently demanding gut-punch and I knew it wasn’t for me. My mother, grandmothers, and aunts benefitted from this because due to this experience I came to appreciate consideration and they did not ever have a pinch of trouble out of me.
I knew damn well I couldn’t afford to take care of another person because I couldn’t and wasn’t fully taking care of myself. It is a simple truth and understanding when you’re young. If I can’t feed me, how could I feed a child? I think about the times I didn’t even have enough money to buy a piece of candy from the store and they were a dollar, or a soda from the soda machine and it was 50 cents. And even if or when I got a dollar, I wanted to either keep it or spend it on myself. It cost money to have a child back then and much, much more money to have a child now. And even though there are programs that allow you to buy what you need for a child, I knew I would want to buy things for them in general and it would torture me not to. And still, I do not like money, and childbirth and rearing would only make the obligation for more money more infuriating and I may come to hate my life and hate is never good. Hate destroys things that you have no intention to destroy. And that childbirth was not that baby’s fault, it would be my fault and that child would not deserve to feel hatred. But that’s just the thing about money; most of us think it’s everything. It isn’t everything but it is very important. What you think, where your mind is regarding most things, is very important. As I got older, I came to realize that it’s not only what’s in your pockets that is the most important thing when it comes to having children; it’s what’s going on in your mind. If your mind isn’t together and you don’t know, you’re doing this for someone else, you’re confused, you’re seeing or hearing things that aren’t there, or something else is wrong, and you haven’t got control over your mind; don’t have kids. The mind is precious and with it you can turn dust into gold. If it is broken, you can break everything around you.
After the annoying waste of human energy, school, I loved to get back to the house and blast BET or MTV. If nothing were on those channels, I am blasting the radio. I couldn’t imagine my time going into nursing and raising a child as I got older. Overtime, the ever-constant obligation of money came and I had to give my attention to an education for a job or career. Today, I don’t want to permanently give my time to anything else except my cat. Menace and I are alike. We come around each other, say a couple of, I love you(s) and hang, and then we go on about our business. The career was achieved; it is a reality. But the career is treated the exact same way, I go do my job and then I return to my space to continue my life however I want to spend it. Can’t be mad at this.
No matter who is there or who isn’t there, we must be there for that child. The mother must do everything to take care of that kid. Life isn’t bad, but life isn’t good either. Whether help is there or not, it’s all on you. It’s going to be your body and you making the decisions. Row vs. Wade being overturned changed things only to make everything harder on everyone. I mean, if you can’t have a baby or the baby won’t survive due to the lack of important organs developing or some other issue, we could abort the child in the past because it’s going to die or we’re both going to die. Today, they have women going into labor in these circumstances knowing when the child is born it is going to die, only now the child is going to suffer and die because it is alive and fully conscious after being born. No one can remember when they were in the womb. Having sex now runs a huge risk for the child and the woman who is trying to conceive without dying in the process. How do you plan around this risk and danger of unseen unpredictable things? The over-thinker hits a wall that can’t be scaled and can’t be knocked down.
A lot of girls got caught up in the magical fantasy of having a baby and when you’re young it seems like that’s what you’re made for. We think we are made to have kids and be married. For so many, life has no meaning, but as you live and learn you understand that you must go forth in life and give your life meaning. Finding the one you love, finding a best friend, and finding the person you are attracted to are three different things that everyone hopes they will get all together but a lot of people don’t. Marriage, relationships, these can never be a straight line for everyone. Some people must have you paint yourself with makeup like a Picasso or be as blank as a sheet of paper, some people must have you fighting over them, dressing half-naked for them or dressed like you’re going to church everyday, behaving a certain way or as quiet as a mouse; you’re doing all these things to convince them you’re worth their attention and these are the main ones that are treating you any kind of way. You need help with a child and not everyone is going to be able to get that because the other person that helped make the child can just walk away.
And the fact that so many walk around with blinders on, convinced we are all alike and everything will always be okay like some kind of human horse unaware they are a part of the world, doesn’t make it any easier to have children. Don’t tell people you know what’s going to happen. I know in life we humans are wary of our situations and can make decisions that protect our loved ones wherever they are. We do that all the time. But to declare that we’re all alike and start with, that child would’ve been or could’ve been; you have know idea what could happen to that child after they’re born. People who think like this are the hardest to have a conversation with. They tell themselves something and stick to it without examining or analyzing it because they don’t care they want it to be true no matter the cost or consequences for all effected. So many people only care about their own wants and needs to the point that everything I write they will completely neglect because they want what they want, and that’s fine, I live my life that way too.
A lot of people will go forth in life without much trouble at all. A lot of people won’t be the person that fatally trusted a serial killer out of the kindness of their heart, or an ethnicity hated during a mass murder, or a lone man walking alone just trying to get home only to stumble upon evil racism. Sexism, segregation, war, mass shootings, genocide, terrorism, poverty, perverts, liars, blatant cruelty, hate, envy, these glossed over deadly sins happen and cause another person pain. We can all end up in a terrible way when we are just innocently interacting with people for only a little while. No one wants their child to become a drug addict, trafficked, in an abusive relationship, or living any life that is all suffering and pain. No one wants a fatal affliction, or disease, inside a child. I lack the foresight that would give me any comfort having a child because these things exist. Most people push all these things away, or to the back of their mind, they have the luxury of doing that. For the rest of us, our consideration burdens us, always saying, be considerate, be considerate, be considerate; being considerate is always at the front of our minds.
And then you have the people that think when they have a child, everything is just supposed to be perfect; their relationship, their child, they’re supposed to be perfect, and time and time again you see these individuals lashing out at their own kids, or someone else’s kids, hurting them or killing them because of their own decisions. No one wants to be on either side of this. How do you communicate to someone that you do things in life with hope and faith, or no definite expectation, not with a mindset that everything is going to work out the way you want it to, especially the important things, because life is so chaotic from day to day.
Once I saw that the abuser could have more empathy than the victim, it made me uncomfortable having children. People are quick to forgive the ones that did something to you, and justify it, because they mystery don’t like you and they don’t even know who you are. There can be so many obstacles in the way of a path in life in general.
I only took birth control because I developed fibroid tumors in my uterus in 2013. I was slowly bleeding to death. The treatment makes it hard to keep weight off my body. I think the day will come when I must get rid of my uterus and that makes me feel a little sad because there is a connection with bringing life that means something good. To never ever be able to do that anymore, or have the option, hurts. I have had mothers tell me their daughters had their tubes tied and they came untied and they got pregnant. I have heard of cases where 50 to 70 year olds have gotten pregnant. Women with half of their uterus, or a uterus bleeding filled with tumors, have gotten pregnant and carried babies to term. Birth control for me is not for going after a physical sexual experience. Not having sex at all is and always was the only full proof way to avoid pregnancy. I think I should at least be in a good position and feel that I am prepared to handle something that I have no way of foreseeing. And unfortunately, the one thing I could always foresee is; no sex leads to no pregnancy.
We’re still in a society that doesn’t respect and acknowledge choice, doesn’t acknowledge mistakes, doesn’t acknowledge manipulation, and doesn’t acknowledge victims. There’s minimal support for childbirth. There’s minimal support for children. Most lawmakers don’t want to spend on protecting children because either they don’t care or the child happens to be a race they feel they can ignore. These same decision-makers feel two things; that you should not be human, don’t lay with anyone and make a child, or that you should be human, because what’s wrong with you, lay with someone and possibly have children. And the rest of the decision-makers don’t give a shit either way, none of it affects them. These people just lie with their words, actions, the way they carry themselves, the way they dress; they are a lie in the flesh. And if you are this person, who are you doing that for, God and Christ are omnipotent and all-knowing, so They know but it’s going to be your burden to bear. And I said to myself growing up, commitment, sure this is feasible, doable, but if I don’t really want to do it and for myself, and I’m not going to commit to it and all of its challenges; then don’t even go that path unprepared. For many years, there was no commitment to children due to no preparation, and no preparation because I wasn’t sexually active and had no intention to be.
The act of having a child isn’t easy, but what’s hard also is the human connection if you’ve never connected to anyone. I personally don’t even have a word for it. Looking at my pet, she does things for attention, a certain kind of attention, as if she’s trying to connect to me in a way that’s saying I need you show me that you need me; it doesn’t feel like you want me anymore. Through aggravations associated with my life, I can see how that’s possible. We are all empathetic to some degree and need to feel loved and wanted. A parent has to communicate this to a child in more ways than one. A lot of people don’t realize they have to do this going into having children. Some people didn't know how to do it just like me, and it’s got everything to do with being human.
Stop trying to simplify being a parent. That simplification is a lie. Childbirth and parenting requires preparation, a lifestyle choice, a work life status, a profession decision, and various other tedious things like where you will live and education. These things were required in the past no matter how far back you want go too. Most of our leadership in the United States of America don’t have any intention to help make living easier here. Everything costs, things are too high, the infrastructure of this place is falling apart, the rich / wealthy and the poor are living in two separate Americas.
And the treatment of the deceased individual Adriana Smith to try and keep, or maybe harvest, a child, because she is dead; just shows the lack of humanity people have towards another person when they want something. This feels wrong and unjust because we know they don't really care about that child. This was done because they can instead of because they care. It shows how one can become a megalomaniac over an idea. The lack of abortion rights is someone morally wanting something because they think it’s the right thing to do, because they think it’s morally right, and they don’t care about the consequences of not having these things in place. The child / fetus / life is a part of the woman, they are not two separate entities living separate of one another.
And the notion of taking away abortion rights because others abuse it is bullshit, because you’re not taking away sugar because some people become obese, you’re not outlawing racism or outlawing guns because these often lead to murder and mass shootings. To all the people who have climbed up upon some invisible throne and placed an invisible crown upon their heads; quell your fucking delusions. Childbirth is not black and white. It is a complicated matter for a lot of people. Your opinion means nothing in the face of this fact. Your moral high-horse is yours to have but it belongs in your own lives not infringing upon the rights and lives of others.
Don’t criticize me for being smart and trying to stay safe in a world that would only take advantage of me if I didn’t know any better. These troubles with pregnancy are humanity-made. When people are supposed to be helping things along, helping everything about pregnancy to happen, be safe, and be fulfilling, they are actually hurting things and stopping things. It’s not hard to forget that life is not easy or a fairy tale no matter how well you’re doing. In life, one tribulation after another can occur. There is always, with new ventures, a fear of what’s to come even if you know what it is. When the society around you and the governing bodies make you feel they are a danger and a constant threat everywhere due to their leadership or lack of; survival becomes the only goal and having children or doing too many things that are extracurricular in nature goes out the window.
A lot of people may be saying to themselves, toni this is some over-thinker twisted and obsessive crude factual contemplative long shit. Why did you write this shit?
Only to communicate that having children is not black and white; it carries too many important variables to be simplified. There is complexity with the body when having a child, there can be complexities with the child’s body, and after birth there can be issues to do with living and access to resources for them and the parent. No, women can’t just have a baby and all will go well, or all will go good, or we’ll figure it out. Time, attention, and measures need to be put in place in order for parenthood to thrive today. A lot of things must begin and a lot of things must come to an end. A lot of care for our fellow human needs to happen in this country. Things about housing, food, education, and healthcare have to be increased, that is, become easily accessible in this country. Say what you want about socialism in countries that pay a minimum wage, but they do have housing with utilities, free healthcare, access to food that isn’t unaffordable, and mass transportation. No country’s system is a perfect system in any way but it helps, and help is good enough. There are more issues with having children than carrying them and going into labor. We need to have a society with things in place that truly protects them and the parent(s) that have them. And until we get these things, turn your frown upside down when you look at abortion.