VI. Speaking of Voices
Voices that reflect your feelings can be terrible, they can drown us in senseless lies and exaggerations. It came back to me, the notion of wanting things to get better and feeling like it should, while I watched a short documentary about a retired man after a dispute over some property, gun down a family and then commit suicide years ago. Our human feelings push us to do things that are terrible like kill and torture. When I was young, 15 years old, I came to having to go to war and fight to keep my mind because I saw that The Holy Trinity would not let me die. When I went to war for my life and mind, there were certain feelings I told my myself to disregard, put them away because they could only lead to trouble. So I became part human and part machine, and it helped in the cold, hunger, with neglect, with people’s cruelty and disregard, because it’s people not life that are cruel mostly. Feelings, the feelings of entitlement, the feeling of fear, the feeling of paranoia which has a lot to do with being nosy in my opinion, and feelings of anger at misunderstandings or at perceived intentions and so forth, these are the biggest creators of the escalations that often lead to an explosion or implosion. I shut my feelings off at the age of 15; every single one except consideration, respect, civility, duty, honor, and love. And love, was the most controlled emotion of all because if you didn’t control it you would, could, suffer terribly from it. Some people love to take advantage of the people that love them. I have to admit, I did another terrible thing to my poor brain by making it ignore, erase, the acknowledgement of most of my feelings. I also ignored what I experienced in life by people and when I stupidly acknowledged those things to deal with them I saw why I ignored them. It was because all of it was a waste of time to even consider to begin with. There was nothing there to convince or conquer, no wisdom or sense, just chaotic hatred and anger. A person behaved the way they did because of everything to do with them and how they were feeling. These silly things were only piggy-backing on the horrible year I had with the death of my father and my mother in 2011 before I graduated from UNCC. And of course, there was the demon trying to increase the sadness that is already there upon the mind to foster self-destruction. Some treatment in my life was bad and it was saddening but it was also stupid and a waste of time to acknowledge. We are all different, so a lot of us handle things better than others and I am an internal person versus a person who isn’t. You would never know what is bugging me or if anything is at all. And how and when I deal with it, you would have no concept of it. I will listen to music, draw, or rant. However, the trouble comes with people who go through something and they feel the need to express their feelings. These people are very external with what they're going through, they have to smash something or kick something, shoot something, threaten someone. Their anger, fear or frustration is always expressed outwardly which of course can lead to problems. Hence control over feelings was so strict in me and still is. And this is a part of who I am also, I am not a follower not even with my own feelings, or that hell-voice that pops up in my mind in the morning trying to point out all the bad things that people do especially inconsideration, and pointing out bad ways people have made things and the bad things that happened because a person did this that led to the reason why that happened and this is that way; it’s all heard but ignored. It’s felt but ignored. I remember, now I’m ignoring it. And that’s how all these negative feelings with that sinister voice should be treated, heard then ignored or unheard overall. People’s inconsiderations and disrespect should also be heard then ignored but this is just me. Now someone reading this would definitely say; toni why did you write all this shit, what's your point. Well the reason why I wrote this is to bring awareness. I want to remind people to recognize the difference between themselves and the demon. Recognize the voice that comes with their anger or frustration is not necessarily theirs and it’s an intrusion into their life to make problems where there are none and escalations when there need not be any. Communication is key in all conflicts, compromise should be a mutual agreement so that problems can be avoided. I hope that we can all maintain that we should not let feelings and those voices that attach to them have complete control over what we do because the demon stays upon us to influence us only to see us self-destruct, harm ourselves, others, and our relationships.